What is Negotiation in BDSM?
Negotiation is probably the driest word in the whole BDSM vocabulary.
Contrary to what one might think, it does not refer to sitting down at a meeting table hashing out a formal deal with your play partners, unless that’s what you want.
Negotiation is, quite simply, the process of discussing with your play partners what you want and don’t want during and after play in order to have a safe, informed, risk-aware, consensual and satisfying experience.
Photo: Aaron Burden
This is where you and your play partners share your desires, your needs, your soft limits (stuff you prefer not to do) and your hard limits (stuff that you absolutely won’t do), your safeword, what should happen if you use that safeword, how you want to communicate during play, what you need in terms of aftercare, details about the scene (toys, costumes, dialogue, mood, music, temperature, safety etc.) and whatever else you feel is relevant.
It is the process of coming to an agreement about what you want to do and how you want to do it, in a way that all parties feel safe.
Negotiation doesn’t mean that you have to plan out everything you’re going to do in minute detail (unless, of course, you want to). It is about coming to an agreement about what each person wants and creating a safe container in which to have your kinky experience.
What is sometimes overlooked in negotiations is discussing how you will handle things that don’t go according to plan. How will you respond if one of you uses their safeword, your kids wake up and come knocking, your blood sugar drops, one of you becomes triggered or has a panic attack etc.? If you’ve thought about important eventualities beforehand, you’re more likely to be able to deal with the situation appropriately if it arises.
Negotiation, by the way, can also result in you and your play partners realizing that it is not a good fit and deciding not to play. Just because you’re negotiating doesn’t mean you have to go through with it!
What does negotiation look like?
Usually negotiation takes the form of an informal conversation, but as with so many things in BDSM, there are many ways to do it.
You can sit yourselves down at a table and draw up a Master and slave contract, you can go through a checklist of kinks and compare, you can brainstorm your scene together, you can use negotiation as a form of foreplay and slip into your respective roles or characters as you discuss, you can exchange letters by snail mail and use the negotiation process to build up tension...
So much is possible. As long as you touch on the most important cornerstones of needs, limits, safety and consent, a negotiation can be as creative as you like.