What is a BDSM Safeword?
A safeword is a word that you can say during kinky play that signals to your partners that you want to stop the scene immediately.
It’s the magic word that makes everything stop.
In order for your partners to recognize your safeword as a such, it has to be communicated beforehand. Otherwise, how will they know?
Photo: Erwan Hesry
How to choose a good safeword
A good safeword is one that wouldn’t normally come up in play.
That’s why safewords like “no” and “stop” are not recommended. You could end up using them for play that involves some kind of resistance, especially if you’re practicing consensual non-consent (CNC).
Food names like “banana” or “pineapple” or animals like “jellyfish” or “elephant” are quite popular. I personally like country or city names because they are neutral and translate easily when you play with international partners.
Some like to use words that neutralize, kill or change the mood such as “tablecloth”, “pimple” or “grandma” because they help you snap out of the scene faster.
You can also use “safeword”. Many play party venues will recognize this as a universal safeword and come to your aid if they hear you yelling it.
Photo: Storiès
A good safeword should be easy to remember – for you and your play partners.
It should be easy to say and understand. Stay away from safewords that could be misheard. When you’re in a situation where you want out, you want it to be fast, without someone having to double-check what you meant to say.
I would recommend safewords of 2-3 syllables. Anything shorter is too easy to miss or overhear and anything longer may be hard to remember and say, especially if you’re under the influence of pain or panic.
A safeword can also be non-verbal. If you’re wearing a ball gag, saying your safeword is going to be pretty tricky. In this case, the safeword could be the bottom tapping the Top. This is obviously only possible if they have their hands free. If the bottom is going to be bound, alternatives include giving the bottom an object to hold that can make noise when moved (such as a bell) or something that makes a noise when dropped (like a set of keys). If your Top has impaired hearing, use visual or tactile safewords.
Photo: Filip Szalbot
Things to keep in mind about safewords
Safewords aren’t just for submissives and bottoms. Tops can also feel the need to end a scene, for instance if their ability to act responsibly is impaired and they would endanger their bottom, they don’t feel well, or are uncomfortable with the scene.
Safewords also don’t mean that you can skip negotiation just because you can end the scene at any time. It is still important for you and your partners to discuss your wants and limits beforehand, share your respective safewords and talk about what each of you need when a scene is ended with a safeword.
That’s why it can be a good idea to practice saying your safeword. It can be hard to say a random word in the middle of play if you’re freaking out and you’ve never said it out loud before. Say it aloud to yourself so that it feels familiar. Do a little preparation run with your play partners where you each get to say your words and practice reacting appropriately.
Photo: Jason Jarrach
There may also be instances where a bottom is so deeply in subspace, a trance-like state induced by BDSM play, that they become unable to speak. This calls on the Top to be very attentive, check for signs of physical and mental distress and respond accordingly.
Keep in mind that in certain situations it might not be possible to release you immediately, even when you’ve said your safeword. For example, while bondage rope can be cut, metal chains with locks may take longer to remove depending on the strength of your tools and the thickness of the chain. Keep this in mind and don’t wait until the last minute to say something.
Safewords are a last resort.
They don’t absolve you of the responsibility to communicate early when something is a problem for you.
Ideally, you will know yourself and your body well enough to be able to communicate serious discomfort to your play partners before the line has been crossed. A huge benefit of kink is how deeply it invites you to get to know yourself before you even engage in play.
For people who feel out of touch with their needs, limits and bodies, it is crucial to understand your personal boundaries and how your body communicates them to you. I practice this with my clients in my kink coaching sessions and it means they enter BDSM play feeling much safer, more grounded and much more confident.