What's the Difference between a Fetish, Kink and BDSM?
When discussing the world of alternative sexual preferences, it’s a good idea to get your terminology right.
We often use the terms kink, fetish and BDSM interchangeably, but they mean slightly different things.
Kink refers to desires and (usually sexual) activities outside the norm. Kinks refer to objects, people and scenarios that most people would not find arousing. We usually associate kinks with sexual arousal, but my experience in the kink community has shown that kinks can also excite us in a way that is non-sexual. Many forms of pet play or age play for instance provide arousal without necessarily being sexually stimulating.
What is considered kinky depends on context and can therefore vary and change with cultural context and time. While your grandparents, for instance, may have considered sex toys kinky, your peers may find them commonplace. Things that were normal in antiquity may be considered kinky now (hello Roman orgies).
Photo: Pawel Sokolowski
Fetishes are similar to kinks in that they are also a form of sexual deviation from the norm and are often associated with objects or parts of the body. Unlike kinks, a fetish generally requires that the object is present in order to gain sexual gratification. It’s often a must, not just an option.
BDSM stands for bondage and discipline, dominance and submission, sadism and masochism. It refers to consensual activities that are in some form arousing and involve a degree of power exchange. The key element here is the difference in power. Kink can include power exchange, but doesn’t have to.
Photo: Pawel Sokolowski
I personally consider kink an umbrella term for any non-ordinary sexual practice under which fetishes and BDSM fall as specific subcategories.
In practice, these terms are used loosely and interchangeably.
The correct terminology becomes important when you’re discussing details. This is especially true for play negotiation. You want to make sure your play partner knows if something is a kink to you or a fetish, or if you’re looking to play with power differences or not.